Happy Mother's Day in Heaven

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! I looked up "Mother's Day when your mother has died" to find out how other people survive this day without their mother. Someone suggested writing a letter. As you know, I wasn't very good about that. Although I don't think you'll read my letter in heaven and I don't even know if you can see me or hear me, writing is a good way for me to pour out my thoughts and feelings.  So here goes...

This isn't really a happy day for me now that you are gone, though I am happy that you are no longer suffering and are now with Jesus. I knew when you died that this day would be one of the hardest days of the year for me to get through. Honestly, even the anticipation of Mother's Day has been hard. Especially this year, because the loss is too fresh. I'm not used to the idea of you being gone.

After my mother-in-law died, eight years and four days before you, I bought her a Mother's Day card. It was my way of saying we still love you. The love of a child for a mother does not stop when she is gone. I bought a card for you on a quiet day when no one was around to see my tears as I read card after card before selecting the right one. The one I chose this year explains what makes a mother beautiful. It's her love for her family, her welcoming hugs, her pride in your accomplishments, her interest in your life, the emotional love and support that she provides over a lifetime. It's the memories that you hold close in your heart.

I always loved picking out a Mother's Day card for you. You kept the cards we gave you over the years so I know you treasured them. I do the same thing with birthday and anniversary cards. Cards express sentiments much better than I do. Here are some words from a card I sent you one year that explained why Mother's Day is so important.

Somehow we always say the least

to those we love the best

And hope our thoughts are understood,

although they're unexpressed -

That's why it means so very much,
when days like this are here,

To say how very much you're loved

each day throughout the year.

I don't have the poetic skills of a greeting card writer. But I don't have to be poetic to say the three simple but priceless words that aren't said often enough - I love you. That's "love" in the present tense. I will always love you and I know you're still with me in my cherished memories; you're just not physically present on this earth.

Mother's Day is important to me, even though you're no longer here, even though it is now a painful day, because you were important to me. I will miss not being able to see you smile, to hear you laugh that silent belly laugh that shook your body! I will miss the sound of your voice and the long phone calls - especially the long phone calls.

I am so grateful that you were my mother. You were always kind and understanding. You listened. You weren't judgmental or critical. I have never known a more generous person, especially one who had so little to give. You were always proud of my accomplishments.  I want to spend the rest of my life making you proud of who I am as a human being. That's the best way I can honor your memory until we're together again.

I am so grateful that you gave me such a beautiful family. Your greatest joy in life was being a mother. You often said how blessed you were to have such good kids. We were blessed to have such a loving, supportive mother. I see the lasting legacy of your love in your children and grandchildren. Your daughters and granddaughters are good mothers; your sons and grandsons are good fathers. Your children all get along and love each other.

This Mother's Day, I celebrate all of the mothers in our family for the joy and comfort they provide their children just like you did - Cindy, Amy, LouJuana, Annie, Robin, Jamie, Tish, Ashley and Justine. And all the mothers who have been welcomed into our family by marriage - Mary, Yumi, Ashley, Nicki and Maisie.

This Mother's Day, I will drink my morning coffee out of a cup you gave me because it reminds me of our visits. I will wear some of your jewelry, including the star sapphire ring that is always on my right hand. I will go to church and probably cry a few tears as mothers are celebrated. Later, I'll light a candle and look at some old photos. Maybe I'll watch the video of you singing Amazing Grace - how sweet the sound! Kent and I will have a quiet dinner at home. I will remember the last meal I had with you - the lunch that Jamie and Cindy picked up from Sonic, just a week before you died. When you finished your limeade, you put a slice of lime over your teeth and smiled, just like a kid. You made me laugh.

I cherish my happy memories knowing that Mother's Day is not a happy day for many people. Some, like me, mourn the loss of a mother or mother-in-law. Others mourn the loss of a child. Others grieve because they weren't able to conceive. It is a sad day for mothers who have been rejected by their children or separated from them by divorce. As I grieve my own loss, my thoughts and prayers are with them.

On March 26th, I became a member of the Motherless club - a club no one wants to join. Grief is the price we pay for loving our mothers so much. It didn't take me long to figure out that the members of this club support each other like no one else can because they share the same grief. Today, when people celebrate how special their mothers are, I give myself permission to cry as much as I need to. And I thank God that you are my mother.

Love you always,

Cathy

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤