A Stressed Out Introvert

I used to have a job that was pretty routine and predictable. I liked knowing what to expect. Now I spend most of my time working on special projects. A few weeks ago, I was assigned to work on a project that has to be completed in a few months. Unfortunately, I have a lot of other competing priorities including work from my old job that was never transitioned to someone else. And because I have been with the company for eight years and so many people have left the company in that time, I frequently get pulled into something just because no one else knows anything about it.

My manager's boss initiated the new project. He has that pushy, abrasive East coast management style - where everything is urgent. He talks and talks, often repeating himself, and doesn't listen. Every time I have to work with him, I feel anxious and stressed.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me. I feel like I am being pulled in too many directions at the same time. When there is too much going on, I can't think. Sometimes I just want to scream. It makes me angry. I have always watched my language, but when I am stressed out, I curse to myself or angrily write out nasty words on paper.

I think I understand my introverted self pretty well by now. I know that I am happiest working alone. I don't mind collaborating as long as I'm given the space to work things out on my own. I'll do my piece; you do yours. I am good at the kind of detailed work that requires focus and concentration, the kind of work that you can do alone. I don't like to be rushed. When I am rushed, I cannot think. I am not a person who excels in a fast-paced, hectic environment.

All of my colleagues work in other cities across the country. We have web meetings and conference calls. I can handle being in meetings an hour or two everyday, especially if I do not have to lead them. But lately it seems like meetings are taking up more and more of my working day and it is driving me nuts! When I have to sit through meeting after meeting, it drains my energy. Thoughts of the more productive things I should or could be doing distract me. And meetings that drag on past their allotted time frustrate me.

On one of my projects, my patience has been tested by an IT guy whose extroverted working style is a lot different from my independent style. I really like him but he will call me or invite me to a meeting to spend a half hour or hour going over his work step by step instead of just asking me specific questions. It is a waste of my time. I am having a similar issue with a person on the new project. A phone call that I think will only take a few minutes ends up taking more than an hour as he asks me question after question.

Why is my job stressing me so much? I think it is because, as an introvert, my brain is not wired to handle so much stimulation.

• I prefer to communicate in writing because it gives me the space to formulate my thoughts.
• I become exhausted from too much verbal communication, especially if it doesn't accomplish anything.
• I like to be prepared. I don't like to be put on the spot.
• I do not like to be rushed.
• I don't like to be interrupted.
• I need time alone to restore my energy. Without it, I get irritable and depressed.

The stress is impacting my ability to sleep and it has also kept me from exercising as consistently as I usually do. I usually get to sleep okay but I almost always wake up at 2 am or so needing to use the bathroom. Once I wake up, I can't get back to sleep easily because I think about all the things I need to do and I worry about how I'm going to get everything done.

Even worse, on days when my frustration builds up so much that I can't stand it anymore, when I am finally by myself and able to let my pent up emotions out, I have this awful impulse to take my anger out on myself. I want to hit myself. I didn't used to be this way. I don't want to punish myself. I don't want to hurt myself. I may be mad at myself for not being more in control, I suppose. I just feel so trapped and helpless. I have given into this urge a couple of times, and of course, it didn't make me feel better. My emotions have to be released somehow and this is not the right way.

Knowing how unhealthy this stress is, I tried to quit my job this week after a restless night. I worked up the courage to talk to my manager and to tell her that I was resigning. She promised to work on getting some work off my plate so I would have more time for the latest project. I have such a strong sense of responsibility that I couldn't say no to that. Besides, I have only been working for her a few months and she is a good boss. But I also know I have to do what is best for me, so if things don't improve soon, I will leave.

Someone on Facebook said that if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed and irritable, it is because you are spending too much time with concerns of this world and not enough time with God. I'm not sure how I feel about that statement. Isn't stress the body's natural response to being threatened in some way?

Somehow, I have lost my coping skills and need to find a better way of releasing my emotions appropriately. I can't continue to get so stressed out. I have gotten too close to my breaking point. Until I can leave my current situation, I need to find better coping strategies.

1. Set boundaries. That means leaving a meeting at its scheduled end time even if people want to let the meeting run over. Insist on a hard stop. Schedule blocks of time on my calendar to work on specific tasks and stick to it. (I have a tendency to put one thing off if something else comes up).
2. Give myself permission to opt out. I can change my status to Do Not Disturb in the instant messaging application if I need to focus for an hour or two. If I don't want to be disturbed, then I shouldn't answer the phone or respond immediately to emails. I don't have to accept every meeting invite.
3. Get in some extra quiet time when no one else is around, like early in the morning or on weekends.
4. Write it out. When I am at work and get overwhelmed, I can scream out my anger and frustration on paper. I give myself permission to curse!
5. Walk it out. Sitting too long isn't healthy anyway but I need to get up more often and just walk around the office.
6. Work it out. When too much is going on,  I tend to stay later than usual so I end up missing my end of day workout. I need to stick to my workout schedule even if I am in the middle of something. Whatever it is can wait until the next day.
7. Talk it out. I tend to keep my struggles to myself but friends at work have told me I can talk to them about it. They know what I'm going through. It helps.
8. Pray it out.  Praying reminds me that I am not alone, that I don't have to carry my burdens by myself. In one of those crazy, self-destructive moments, I stopped and prayed God, please help me. I immediately felt calmer.
9. Recite a verse. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7). 
10. Repeat a calming mantra or the words to a favorite song. I can do this. I am doing the best I can. I am not alone. Just breathe.

I will get through this. When it starts to fall apart, in my heart, I hear You say, just breathe. Chaos calls, but all you really need is to just breathe.

💜 💜  💜 💜  💜 💜  

I’m hanging on tight to another wild day

When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear You say just

Breathe, just breathe

Come and rest at My feet

And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

Is to just breathe

- Jonny Diaz