An Introvert Loners Manual

A guy who read my post, Here’s Johnny! A Celebrity Introvert, told me I should read Party of One, The Loners’ Manifesto, which was written by Anneli Rufus. He said that some people are more than introverts - they're loners. Honestly, his observation struck me as a distinction without a difference. I wondered whether I just didn’t understand what it means to be a loner. I wondered why he wanted to distinguish a loner from an introvert and I wondered whether the word loner fits me.

Defining Loners

In Party of One, Rufus says that not all loners are shy and not all shy people are loners. Introverts and loners are not “one and the same thing.” The word “shy” is often used interchangeably with introvert though the words have different meanings. Rufus evidently prefers the word shy. She said that non-loners use the word introvert because “they think it makes them sound intelligent to say so.” I am an introvert who has also been shy at times so I know the difference. Shyness is an uncomfortable feeling that comes and goes; I will always be introverted.

Before I go further, let me set out my own definitions. An introvert is a person who gets energy from their internal world of thoughts, impressions, emotions and ideas. A loner is a person who prefers to be alone and may even actively avoid other people. A shy person is nervous or uncomfortable interacting and communicating with other people.

Both introverts and loners can be socially confident and both can be uncomfortable meeting and talking with others. I would distinguish the words by saying that a loner avoids social interaction, a shy person fears social interaction and an introvert tends to be drained by too much social interaction.

Rufus made several points about loners that are consistent with introverts.  Loners avoid crowds, keeping themselves apart. Loners want and need to be alone. Loners dread what non-loners need. Alone, loners are productive, creative and happy. Loners are capable of entertaining themselves. A loner’s world is focused inwardly rather than externally. Loners are thinkers, creators, artists, writers, and problem-solvers.

Debunking the Myths About Loners

Loner is such a loaded word, filled with negative meaning. Not because there is anything wrong with preferring solitude but because there are so many misconceptions about loners. Rufus made some great points debunking loner myths.

Loners do not like people. Many loners actually do like people but being around a crowd can be draining. I like people but prefer to interact one-on-one or in small groups. Loners are also more selective about the company they keep. I am not interested in trivial or trashy conversations and am turned off by people who aren’t open to other points of view or who try to draw too much attention to themselves.

Loners are not capable of making friends. Rufus wrote that non-loners assume that loners lack the capacity for friendship, not distinguishing between genuine friendship and the amount of time spent with friends. Loners are also judged for not having “enough friends” because we don’t waste our time with people we don’t really connect with; loners are choosier about companionship. Loners and introverts tend to have fewer friends but the friendships are more intimate.

Even with friends, a loner may put up boundaries that make an extroverted friend feel rejected. I find myself keeping friends at a distance, especially extroverted friends, because I’m afraid they will want more of me than I am willing to give. Although I enjoy meeting a friend for lunch or dinner, I don’t want or need constant companionship. As Rufus put it, “time shared, even with true friends, often requires loners to put in extra time alone, overtime, to recharge.”

Loners are maladjusted. Loners are often considered maladjusted and may be described as aloof, cold, stuck-up, self-centered or unfriendly. Our culture sees sociability as a sign of emotional or mental health. This bias against being alone starts in childhood with parents pushing children to join sports teams or clubs and even arranging play dates. Some kids choose to play alone because they are imaginative, resourceful, and independent. We all need to develop social skills like courtesy, sharing, and cooperation but being forced into group interactions is not a productive use of a loner’s time and talents.

The bias against solitude extends into adulthood with compulsory team building exercises and open offices designed to promote collaboration. But loner employees work well independently. They contribute to the team by working diligently on the task at hand.

The pursuit of solo activities is not inherently unhealthy and not even inherently lonely. Loners prefer solitary activities like writing, reading, cooking, arts and crafts, running or other individual sports. Because they are more focused, loners concentrate and really dig in without getting bored.

Loners are eccentric. Loners are also unfairly labeled as eccentric, weird, or odd just because they differ from the majority - they march to the beat of a different drummer. Many loners know they are different and they like who they are. They are not concerned about what other people think. They are nonconformists who do not submit to peer pressure or fads.

Criminals are more likely to be loners. Criminals are often characterized as loners. Rufus suggests that non-loners label criminals as loners to set them apart and provide a convenient explanation for their behavior. But when you look at the motives behind crimes, you often see a social motive – envy, resentment, betrayal, rejection, etc. The criminals do not want to be alone; they have social connections. Some criminals are outcasts and some are rejects. Some isolate themselves because they have something to hide. In other cases, mental illness motivates criminal and antisocial behavior.

Departing from the Manifesto

My immediate impression of Party of One was that Rufus is too negative and antagonistic towards non-loners. But as an introvert who has often felt misunderstood, I gave Rufus the benefit of the doubt. It is easy to become defensive, even angry, about the cultural bias that deems introverts and loners as less worthy than extroverts and people who love being with crowds of people.  Having said that, my own “loners manual” differs from the manifesto in three areas.

It’s not about us versus them.  Non-loners may be biased but they’re not our enemies. The “mob” (Rufus' word for non-loners)  is not engaged in a smear campaign or conspiracy against loners. We need them just as they need us. Whether you believe in evolution or a higher power, there is a reason that people are genetically predisposed to certain behaviors. We balance each other out. If loners want to be respected for who they are, they won’t accomplish that by setting themselves apart as brooding, adversaries of the majority. That behavior simply reinforces the myths.

Desire for connection and acceptance. In talking about advertising, Rufus says that advertisers don’t target loners because their “only shared feature is separateness, elusiveness, refusal to connect.” In talking about the motives of criminals, she says loners do not want the things that social people want from others, including acceptance and admiration. She says loners don’t care what other people think, say or do and that “we want nothing more from others but to be left alone.”

But I ask, if that were really true – if loners really don’t want connection and acceptance - then why did Rufus write the manifesto? She said she wrote it to speak for those of us “for whom no one has yet spoken” using the collective “we”. Doesn’t this imply a desire for connection and a sense of unity with like-minded people?

What I thought was most telling about this supposed loner indifference to other people is Rufus’ story about an unnamed relative who buys her books but does not read them. This relative does not ask Rufus about the writing of the books, clearly a glaring insult. The author has invested a considerable amount of her time and self in this solitary pursuit. Yet, this relative’s indifference sends the message: My books might as well not exist. She obviously wants acceptance from this person (my guess, her mother). She cares what they think.

Religion/Spirituality. In a chapter on religion, titled Jesus, Mary, and Jennifer Lopez, Rufus describes the religious as swarming, seething, slaughtering mobs, among other things. She says, “They want us to think faith is a collective thing.”  She suggests that God doesn’t hear a loner voice. And somehow, the fact that Jesus had followers makes him unworthy of loners: “Christ was too good at guiding crowds to have been one of us.” And the crowning jewel of her generalizations about religion and loners - “To a loner it hardly seems possible – not even plausible – that millions could agree on what God likes and dislikes.”

Yet, the fact is, millions of loners do find peace, love, joy, meaning, and purpose in the practice of their faith. Spirituality is not less meaningful and empowering because it is shared with or organized by non-loners. I spend one or two hours a week in fellowship with “the mob” at my church, sitting alone at a pew built for two. One person sits behind me, and another in front of me. I think my own thoughts, I form my own conclusions about what is right and true, I silently say my own prayers, and I fervently believe that God hears me.

So is it a distinction without a difference?

After reading Party of One, I am still convinced that loners are usually introverts. Do a Google search on extrovert loner and what do you find? Not much. I found an extroverted loner in a chat room who says he finds most conversations mundane. Is it impossible to be an extroverted loner? No. Rare? Yes.

The preference for solitude or limited company is just one aspect that distinguishes introverts/loners from “the mob.” Our deep thought processes, cautiousness, hesitancy to speak without thinking things through, etc. also distinguish us from extroverts/non-loners. While introverts may identify more closely with the loner part of themselves, they are still the well-rounded introverted individuals Rufus described in the manifesto.

I have avoided labeling myself as a loner because I have a strong desire for social connection – for belonging. But the truth is I also have a strong preference for spending most of my time alone or with my significant other in another room – separate, apart. At work, I stay at my desk most of the day, rarely seeking another person’s company, communicating with my coworkers by email. I exercise alone. I watch TV alone. I am happy alone.