Letting Go of My Tragedian

I recently read The Great Divorce, C S Lewis' allegorical tale about heaven and hell. This timeless classic gave me much food for thought in my spiritual journey. The story takes place in the outskirts of heaven, a place called the Valley of the Shadow of Life. The setting was interesting enough but I was most impacted by the characters and the spiritual struggles they faced.

The characters are Ghosts and Solid Ones. Upon death, the Ghosts are sent to a miserable hell the narrator called "grey town." The grey town was a place with mean streets and perpetual twilight, where the Ghosts continually quarrel and move farther and farther apart from each other. After wandering for hours, the narrator, who does not yet know that he is a ghost, gets on a bus that takes the passengers on an excursion to the Valley of the Shadow of Life. There they are met by Solid Ones, the spirits of people who have been saved. The Solid Ones try to help the Ghosts see that they need to let go of the false things they clung to in life.

The Ghosts remind me of people today. A woman who was bent on changing her husband into her image of a successful person. A mother with a twisted, obsessive love of her son. A man who pursues art for art's sake - not really appreciating the objects of his art. A man convinced that he had done nothing wrong in life and that he earned the right to be in heaven. A woman so fixated on her sexuality that she doesn't realize she is no longer attractive to other beings. An apostate who cared more about the intellectual exercise of religion than about finding the truth.

The most powerful character for me was the Dwarf Ghost and the Tragedian - yes, one character with two parts. The Dwarf Ghost, the soul of the person who passed away, was chained to a tall, skinny man who resembled a "seedy actor." This actor, the Tragedian, did most of the speaking for the Dwarf Ghost. The Solid One who met the Dwarf Ghost/Tragedian was Sarah Smith. She directed all of her words and attention to the Dwarf, who was her husband on earth, Frank. We learn from Sarah that Frank was a miserable man who didn't want other people to be happy. He sulked. He used pity as "blackmail" to get Sarah and others to bend to his will.

The Tragedian complains about how Sarah took Frank for granted in life. He complains that he is not needed, not wanted. Sarah urges the Dwarf to let go of his misery, to put the past behind him. "Let go of the chain," she says. "Send it away. Don't you see what nonsense it's talking." The Dwarf almost sees the absurdity of the Tragedian but he is unable to let go of the chain that connects him to this tragic, acting part of himself. Eventually, the Dwarf shrinks in size and appears to be swallowed up by the Tragedian.

While I don't use pity as a weapon against other people, I recognized my own self pity in the Dwarf Ghost character. I have felt chained to a desire for social approval and acceptance. As an introvert, I often feel socially awkward. When I am rejected socially, when I just don't fit in with an extrovert dominant crowd, my tragedian tells me I'm not good enough. She diminishes my esteem and smothers my joy. She tells me to withdraw and avoid the people or situations that make me feel uncomfortable or "less than" the socially idealized extroverts around me.

Many introverts stay in their comfort zone because they aren't sure that they can manage in the "outie world." When they are out and about, they often feel overwhelmed and can't remember their own abilities. They might compare themselves to extroverts and decide they are deficient. They withdraw so they won't feel bad about themselves. Introverts can also get caught up in the idea that is so pervasive in our culture that our personal value is based on what we do - not on who we are. - Marti Olsen Laney, Psy. D., The Introvert Advantage

Innie Me and My Tragedian

I know that it is absurd to hang onto my self-critic. I know that she is talking nonsense. My personal value is not defined by my social skills. I also know that withdrawing from other people to protect myself from rejection is self-defeating behavior. Choosing solitude because I like it - now that's entirely different!

So I choose to look at myself with sober judgment, as the Apostle Paul instructed. Not thinking more of myself than I ought to but not thinking less of myself either. I have learned that comparing myself to other people leads to misery. Being the best introverted person I can be brings me joy.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. - CS Lewis

Many of us struggle with some kind of obsession, compulsion, or temptation that smothers our joy. It may be striving for perfection or to impress people with what we have or what we do. Most of the characters in The Great Divorce stuck with the choices they made in their lives on earth - choices that led to misery. I choose to let go of the chain that has bound me to a false standard of worthiness. God loves me just as I am!

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7/30/2014: 

I have told my inner Tragedian to take a hike, that I'm not going to listen to her anymore. But the truth is, it is hard to make her stay away. It is hard to stop listening to the self criticism in my head. Francesca Battistelli's song Free to be Me says it so well. I'm not perfect and I don't have to be. I'm also not alone. On His shoulders I can see, that I'm free to be me.

'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me