Embracing the Child Within

When I was a child, I imagined the career and family I would have one day as an adult. In my mind's eye, I saw a woman who is mature, confident, and self-assured, quite different and separate from my child self. It was a flat, one-dimensional self-portrait, the best I was capable of forming.

I was always somewhat of an old soul, but like everyone else, I walked through the official door to adulthood at eighteen. I spent my twenties learning the ropes of adulthood, enjoying my independence and the freedom to make my own choices. I sit in the driver's seat, I go off to work instead of school, I pay the bills, I make decisions only an adult can make. I have made mistakes and learned from them. And now, instead of imagining myself as a grown-up, I envision the kind of old lady I want to be one day, gentle and kind.

My soul has occupied an adult body for decades now but somewhere along the way I saw that I was not the completely different person I thought I would be as a grown-up. The little girl in me still lurks below the surface, beneath the wrinkles and the aching joints. I see her when I feel playful and silly. I see her when I long to shuck the trappings of adulthood and go back to a more innocent time. And I see her when I feel afraid and vulnerable. I may be all grown-up, but I still want someone to tell me that everything will be alright.

Why am I thinking about the child within me now? In part, it's because I see how vulnerable I am to being hurt by other people, just as I was as a child. In this age of social media, it is easy to attack people whose political and religious beliefs are not the same as your own. It is easy to publicly shame people. You don't even have to formulate a persuasive argument or use your own words, just click on share. In a moment, you can spread deadly poison with words and memes. So I tell this sensitive little girl,  you have permission to disconnect from negative people.

I'm also thinking about the child in me because I realize that I learned important life lessons as a child, lessons that are often the polar opposite of what I see in the real world. These lessons are timeless. Don't be selfish. Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

The start of a new year also brings thoughts of childhood dreams not yet realized. I tell this little girl, there is still time to be what you want to be. But I also tell her that no one is going to make it happen but the adult me. You're in the driver's seat.

I start out this new year looking at an image of myself taken decades ago, a photo of a vulnerable child who instinctively knew to protect herself. I wrap my arms around this child and tell her everything will be alright. You are an overcomer. Embrace your sensitivity, your vulnerability, your strength and your good heart.