I have been struggling with unhappiness with my job for a few years. Months go by with me passively looking for a different job, being picky because I am not really enthused at the thought of another corporate accounting job. When I get really frustrated, I start looking more earnestly for awhile, then fall back into complacency. In one year, I have only gone on a few interviews because I am just too stressed out and tired of sitting in front of a computer all day to take the time to fill out an application or prepare a cover letter.
On many days, when I have felt especially stressed and trapped, I have cried and begged God to get me out of here. So many nights when I have struggled to get back to sleep after waking and worrying about the coming day, I have prayed that God would lead me to where he wants me to be. In the middle of the night, I have been comforted by songs that remind me that God is with me through this struggle, songs like the King and Country song "Shoulders."
When confusion's my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
'Cause I know that You are near
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
One of my pleasant distractions from my job has been writing. I don't do enough of it. Writing has revealed a side of me that I have never shown the world before. I dream of a different life, a life of quiet solitude, sitting at my desk writing and using my mind to contemplate spiritual matters like prayer, faith, grace and fruits of the spirit. My dream is not chasing corporate profits, being pulled in too many directions, feeling like I'm nothing but a body valued only for my ability to complete a list of tasks.
I have wondered as I have grown spiritually through writing whether God could use this side of me, the part that wants to transcend the meaningless pursuits of this life. I have felt God at work in my writing. No matter what I struggle with, God's presence shines through. Could God be calling me to write? He might be. I wish he would make his intentions more clear. I know I can't expect to hear his voice audibly. I can't expect him to draw a picture on the wall. I can only expect God to give me a gentle nudge in the right direction. I am feeling a nudge that won't go away no matter how distracted I am by other things, no matter what excuses I make that I am not good enough.
One of my problems is that I have always been a do-it-yourself-er. I am independent. In some respects, I am a follower but I am most definitely one who makes her own way. I want to solve my own problems, to carry my own weight. It is not easy for me to yield my will to someone else, especially if I am not told explicitly what that plan is.
One of my other issues is being so darn practical. I can't seem to escape the part of me that wants to bet on sure things. Relying on the way I have always made my living is relatively safe and secure. I am not much of a risk taker.
So I find my desire for safety and security at war with my desire to do something more meaningful, something that fulfills and motivates me. I have battled to make the right decision even though my job has left me feeling trapped and unfulfilled. Sometimes it feels like the joy is literally being sucked out of my life.
When it dawned on me a few weeks ago how much of my life I have wasted being unhappy with my job, I became depressed. I prayed for courage. In my mind and heart, I knew what I needed to do but it was not an easy decision. I realized I need to stop making excuses. I have to stop worrying about letting other people down. I realized that if I am to have no regrets, I need to give myself a chance to achieve my dreams. I need to trust God fully.
I prepared for my work week by searching for inspiring quotes to place on my cubicle wall, images about taking a leap of faith. One of them said, "take a leap of faith, change your life." Another said, "sometimes your only available form of transportation is a leap of faith." I also printed out a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. who said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase."
Early that week, my boss called me and asked how I felt about having yet another change in my job responsibilities. It would mean changing my role on a big project and throwing me back into a project I was pulled off of just a few months ago. It would mean shifting work from a consultant who had been helping with that project.
I prayed that God would let me know clearly if it was time for me to leave. How about giving me a clue in my dreams, God? I went to bed and the next morning arose disappointed that there was no sign that I should stay or go. I got in the car for my drive to work. An upbeat song from Matthew West started playing, Day One. The lyrics say "I wish I wasn't wishing anymore. Wish I could remember that nobody's keeping score. I'm tired of throwing pennies in a well. I gotta do something. Here goes nothin'. It's day one of the rest of my life. It's day one of the best of my life."
When I got to work, a coworker called me up to tell me he had given his notice. I thought to myself, I can do this too. I have to stop worrying about my job responsibilities and do what is right for me. I kept this thought at the back of my mind all day working up my courage to quit. At the end of the day, I took the only available form of transportation. I called my boss and resigned.
I don't know what my future holds. God has not shown me the whole staircase. I trust that He will reveal his plan when I take that first step.
