A Stressed Out Introvert

I used to have a job that was pretty routine and predictable. I liked knowing what to expect. Now I spend most of my time working on special projects. A few weeks ago, I was assigned to work on a project that has to be completed in a few months. Unfortunately, I have a lot of other competing priorities including work from my old job that was never transitioned to someone else. And because I have been with the company for eight years and so many people have left the company in that time, I frequently get pulled into something just because no one else knows anything about it.

My manager's boss initiated the new project. He has that pushy, abrasive East coast management style - where everything is urgent. He talks and talks, often repeating himself, and doesn't listen. Every time I have to work with him, I feel anxious and stressed.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me. I feel like I am being pulled in too many directions at the same time. When there is too much going on, I can't think. Sometimes I just want to scream. It makes me angry. I have always watched my language, but when I am stressed out, I curse to myself or angrily write out nasty words on paper.

I think I understand my introverted self pretty well by now. I know that I am happiest working alone. I don't mind collaborating as long as I'm given the space to work things out on my own. I'll do my piece; you do yours. I am good at the kind of detailed work that requires focus and concentration, the kind of work that you can do alone. I don't like to be rushed. When I am rushed, I cannot think. I am not a person who excels in a fast-paced, hectic environment.

All of my colleagues work in other cities across the country. We have web meetings and conference calls. I can handle being in meetings an hour or two everyday, especially if I do not have to lead them. But lately it seems like meetings are taking up more and more of my working day and it is driving me nuts! When I have to sit through meeting after meeting, it drains my energy. Thoughts of the more productive things I should or could be doing distract me. And meetings that drag on past their allotted time frustrate me.

On one of my projects, my patience has been tested by an IT guy whose extroverted working style is a lot different from my independent style. I really like him but he will call me or invite me to a meeting to spend a half hour or hour going over his work step by step instead of just asking me specific questions. It is a waste of my time. I am having a similar issue with a person on the new project. A phone call that I think will only take a few minutes ends up taking more than an hour as he asks me question after question.

Why is my job stressing me so much? I think it is because, as an introvert, my brain is not wired to handle so much stimulation.

• I prefer to communicate in writing because it gives me the space to formulate my thoughts.
• I become exhausted from too much verbal communication, especially if it doesn't accomplish anything.
• I like to be prepared. I don't like to be put on the spot.
• I do not like to be rushed.
• I don't like to be interrupted.
• I need time alone to restore my energy. Without it, I get irritable and depressed.

The stress is impacting my ability to sleep and it has also kept me from exercising as consistently as I usually do. I usually get to sleep okay but I almost always wake up at 2 am or so needing to use the bathroom. Once I wake up, I can't get back to sleep easily because I think about all the things I need to do and I worry about how I'm going to get everything done.

Even worse, on days when my frustration builds up so much that I can't stand it anymore, when I am finally by myself and able to let my pent up emotions out, I have this awful impulse to take my anger out on myself. I want to hit myself. I didn't used to be this way. I don't want to punish myself. I don't want to hurt myself. I may be mad at myself for not being more in control, I suppose. I just feel so trapped and helpless. I have given into this urge a couple of times, and of course, it didn't make me feel better. My emotions have to be released somehow and this is not the right way.

Knowing how unhealthy this stress is, I tried to quit my job this week after a restless night. I worked up the courage to talk to my manager and to tell her that I was resigning. She promised to work on getting some work off my plate so I would have more time for the latest project. I have such a strong sense of responsibility that I couldn't say no to that. Besides, I have only been working for her a few months and she is a good boss. But I also know I have to do what is best for me, so if things don't improve soon, I will leave.

Someone on Facebook said that if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed and irritable, it is because you are spending too much time with concerns of this world and not enough time with God. I'm not sure how I feel about that statement. Isn't stress the body's natural response to being threatened in some way?

Somehow, I have lost my coping skills and need to find a better way of releasing my emotions appropriately. I can't continue to get so stressed out. I have gotten too close to my breaking point. Until I can leave my current situation, I need to find better coping strategies.

1. Set boundaries. That means leaving a meeting at its scheduled end time even if people want to let the meeting run over. Insist on a hard stop. Schedule blocks of time on my calendar to work on specific tasks and stick to it. (I have a tendency to put one thing off if something else comes up).
2. Give myself permission to opt out. I can change my status to Do Not Disturb in the instant messaging application if I need to focus for an hour or two. If I don't want to be disturbed, then I shouldn't answer the phone or respond immediately to emails. I don't have to accept every meeting invite.
3. Get in some extra quiet time when no one else is around, like early in the morning or on weekends.
4. Write it out. When I am at work and get overwhelmed, I can scream out my anger and frustration on paper. I give myself permission to curse!
5. Walk it out. Sitting too long isn't healthy anyway but I need to get up more often and just walk around the office.
6. Work it out. When too much is going on,  I tend to stay later than usual so I end up missing my end of day workout. I need to stick to my workout schedule even if I am in the middle of something. Whatever it is can wait until the next day.
7. Talk it out. I tend to keep my struggles to myself but friends at work have told me I can talk to them about it. They know what I'm going through. It helps.
8. Pray it out.  Praying reminds me that I am not alone, that I don't have to carry my burdens by myself. In one of those crazy, self-destructive moments, I stopped and prayed God, please help me. I immediately felt calmer.
9. Recite a verse. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7). 
10. Repeat a calming mantra or the words to a favorite song. I can do this. I am doing the best I can. I am not alone. Just breathe.

I will get through this. When it starts to fall apart, in my heart, I hear You say, just breathe. Chaos calls, but all you really need is to just breathe.

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I’m hanging on tight to another wild day

When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear You say just

Breathe, just breathe

Come and rest at My feet

And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

Is to just breathe

- Jonny Diaz

Happy Mother's Day in Heaven

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! I looked up "Mother's Day when your mother has died" to find out how other people survive this day without their mother. Someone suggested writing a letter. As you know, I wasn't very good about that. Although I don't think you'll read my letter in heaven and I don't even know if you can see me or hear me, writing is a good way for me to pour out my thoughts and feelings.  So here goes...

This isn't really a happy day for me now that you are gone, though I am happy that you are no longer suffering and are now with Jesus. I knew when you died that this day would be one of the hardest days of the year for me to get through. Honestly, even the anticipation of Mother's Day has been hard. Especially this year, because the loss is too fresh. I'm not used to the idea of you being gone.

After my mother-in-law died, eight years and four days before you, I bought her a Mother's Day card. It was my way of saying we still love you. The love of a child for a mother does not stop when she is gone. I bought a card for you on a quiet day when no one was around to see my tears as I read card after card before selecting the right one. The one I chose this year explains what makes a mother beautiful. It's her love for her family, her welcoming hugs, her pride in your accomplishments, her interest in your life, the emotional love and support that she provides over a lifetime. It's the memories that you hold close in your heart.

I always loved picking out a Mother's Day card for you. You kept the cards we gave you over the years so I know you treasured them. I do the same thing with birthday and anniversary cards. Cards express sentiments much better than I do. Here are some words from a card I sent you one year that explained why Mother's Day is so important.

Somehow we always say the least

to those we love the best

And hope our thoughts are understood,

although they're unexpressed -

That's why it means so very much,
when days like this are here,

To say how very much you're loved

each day throughout the year.

I don't have the poetic skills of a greeting card writer. But I don't have to be poetic to say the three simple but priceless words that aren't said often enough - I love you. That's "love" in the present tense. I will always love you and I know you're still with me in my cherished memories; you're just not physically present on this earth.

Mother's Day is important to me, even though you're no longer here, even though it is now a painful day, because you were important to me. I will miss not being able to see you smile, to hear you laugh that silent belly laugh that shook your body! I will miss the sound of your voice and the long phone calls - especially the long phone calls.

I am so grateful that you were my mother. You were always kind and understanding. You listened. You weren't judgmental or critical. I have never known a more generous person, especially one who had so little to give. You were always proud of my accomplishments.  I want to spend the rest of my life making you proud of who I am as a human being. That's the best way I can honor your memory until we're together again.

I am so grateful that you gave me such a beautiful family. Your greatest joy in life was being a mother. You often said how blessed you were to have such good kids. We were blessed to have such a loving, supportive mother. I see the lasting legacy of your love in your children and grandchildren. Your daughters and granddaughters are good mothers; your sons and grandsons are good fathers. Your children all get along and love each other.

This Mother's Day, I celebrate all of the mothers in our family for the joy and comfort they provide their children just like you did - Cindy, Amy, LouJuana, Annie, Robin, Jamie, Tish, Ashley and Justine. And all the mothers who have been welcomed into our family by marriage - Mary, Yumi, Ashley, Nicki and Maisie.

This Mother's Day, I will drink my morning coffee out of a cup you gave me because it reminds me of our visits. I will wear some of your jewelry, including the star sapphire ring that is always on my right hand. I will go to church and probably cry a few tears as mothers are celebrated. Later, I'll light a candle and look at some old photos. Maybe I'll watch the video of you singing Amazing Grace - how sweet the sound! Kent and I will have a quiet dinner at home. I will remember the last meal I had with you - the lunch that Jamie and Cindy picked up from Sonic, just a week before you died. When you finished your limeade, you put a slice of lime over your teeth and smiled, just like a kid. You made me laugh.

I cherish my happy memories knowing that Mother's Day is not a happy day for many people. Some, like me, mourn the loss of a mother or mother-in-law. Others mourn the loss of a child. Others grieve because they weren't able to conceive. It is a sad day for mothers who have been rejected by their children or separated from them by divorce. As I grieve my own loss, my thoughts and prayers are with them.

On March 26th, I became a member of the Motherless club - a club no one wants to join. Grief is the price we pay for loving our mothers so much. It didn't take me long to figure out that the members of this club support each other like no one else can because they share the same grief. Today, when people celebrate how special their mothers are, I give myself permission to cry as much as I need to. And I thank God that you are my mother.

Love you always,

Cathy

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤