Determined to Age Gracefully

When I was young and imagined growing old, I was determined that I would age gracefully. What does that even mean? Graceful means "characterized by elegance or beauty of form, manner, movement, or speech." To me, aging gracefully meant having an inner beauty that shines through despite the inevitable wrinkles. Even more than that, it meant being comfortable in your own aging skin.

Now that I'm most certainly over the hill, can I honestly say that I am aging gracefully? No, I cannot. With regular exercise, I have maintained my youthful figure for the most part, though my body aches more often these days. But truthfully, I am not yet comfortable with what I see. When photographed, I tell myself that my eyes are too squinty, my teeth not white enough. I examine my face from every angle, not happy with the wrinkles around my eyes and lips or with the changing texture of the skin on my neck. I can relate to Nora Ephron, author of I Feel Bad About My Neck, a book I clearly need to read at this stage of my life.

I saw some photos on a Facebook photography page this week posted under a "Rusty, Dusty, Busted" category - old houses, old cars, old farm machinery. I appreciate the beauty of faded objects that have seen better days. So why not look at myself in the same way? Why do I struggle to accept what is completely natural and unavoidable? Did my role models struggle to accept their aging faces? Did Meryl Streep figure out this aging gracefully thing all at once or was it a challenge for her too? Did my grandmother, one of the most beautiful people I've ever known, look at herself so critically?

My Grandma, a gentle and quiet spirit

I mentioned my struggle to a friend who is a couple of years older than me. She said that accepting yourself as you age is about changing your expectations. An aging face is a face with character. Having been married almost 28 years, I have often thought how fortunate it is that as we grow old together, we've changed our expectations about physical appearance. We love each other more for what's on the inside than what's on the outside.

It occurred to me that perhaps for some of us, aging gracefully is the final step in a process that follows the stages of loss and grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I spent most of my forties in denial of my lost youth. People told me that I didn't look my age. Then as I approached fifty, I bargained, embracing the "don't deny it, defy it" approach. I exercised more to counter the effects of declining metabolism. I bought moisturizers and revitalizing night creams and under-eye creams, attempting to reverse the effects of aging. I started taking hormone replacement therapy to thwart the effects of lower estrogen levels. This year, I even got braces to improve my aging smile.

But even after doing all of those things, time is still taking a toll on my body and my skin. My wrinkly neck is a reality I can't negotiate away. I am not going to get angry or depressed about losing my youth, just a bit sad. It happens to everyone who is fortunate to live this long. Every day is a gift and I know that I have so much to look forward to in my later years. I'm ready to move on to the final stage of aging gracefully - acceptance.

Peter, the disciple, said that your beauty should not come from outside adornment but should instead be a reflection of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Physical beauty does fade over time, regardless of how much effort or expense you put into your appearance. But kindness and gentleness never stops being beautiful.

The Greatest of These Is Love

One of my favorite passages from the New Testament is First Corinthians, Chapter 13. I once heard these beautiful verses about love recited in a wedding. Though written by the apostle Paul around 55 A.D. to the church in Corinth, these timeless words contain great advice for all relationships. But I want to dig deeper to understand what Paul was trying to teach the believers.

The Way of Love (English Standard Version)

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know if part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

To put the first paragraph in context, in the preceding passage in chapter 12, Paul spoke about spiritual gifts and how each member of the church, regardless of his or her gifts, was an important member of the body of Christ. So Paul was not writing about romantic love but about agape, a selfless kind of love for other people. Above all, it is not a self-centered kind of love. Yet, so many virtues and blessings flow from it - patience, kindness, gentleness, humility, forgiveness, peace and joy. This kind of love is perfect because God is its source. God is love. God is patient and kind. God forgives, God protects.

Paul wanted the believers to know that this kind of love is so important that its absence renders a person's spiritual gifts meaningless. The Spirit gives to some the gift of wisdom, to others knowledge, to others the ability to heal, etc. Today, just as back then, we observe people who are religious, yet clearly lack love for their fellow man. Their words and actions betray the selfish motivations of their hearts. Their words are hollow, their voices are like clanging cymbals or nails on a chalkboard. Their gifts mean nothing.

To secularize this teaching, many talented people use their gifts to achieve great fame and/or wealth. Yet some of them use their gifts selfishly; their lives are an endless quest for self indulgence and attention. Even if we do good with our gifts, if our hearts are not right towards our fellow man, our good deeds lack meaning. If we act out of selfish motivations, we have gained nothing spiritually. The world sees our actions, but God sees the heart.

Agape, this selfless kind of love, is difficult to practice. I know that I should be kind and patient and polite and forgiving and grateful but too often, I fail to be what I know I should be. Why? Because my self-centered nature keeps rearing its ugly head. It tells me that no one should make me wait, no one should annoy me. It tells me that I deserve this or that. It tells me that it, this life, is all about me! How wrong I am! How wretched!

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  - Romans 7:21-25

Learning to understand and practice the kind of enduring, selfless love that Paul described requires spiritual growth. At first you think like a child, but when you mature spiritually, you give up your childish ways, your selfish ways. Jesus is my rescuer and my teacher as I battle with my selfish nature, as I strive to become the loving person he wants me to be. He said: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing." 

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Yes, where all else fails, faith, hope and love endure. Lord, Your Love is a light in the darkness. I pray that your love will abound in me. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is doubt, faith; where there is injury, forgiveness; where there is despair, hope; where there is sadness, joy; where there is darkness, light. Amen.

Is it ever okay to call someone stupid?

The Denver Post recently published two articles from Bloomberg News in a Point-Counterpoint column posing the question: is it ever okay to call someone stupid? The articles were written in response to an op-ed in Forbes in which a Boston University economist, Laurence Koticoff, chastised economist Paul Krugman, for saying that Paul Ryan is stupid. Paul Krugman actually did not say that Paul Ryan is stupid. However, in quoting Ezra Klein, he did suggest that Ryan is a stupid person's idea of what a thoughtful person sounds like. Whether Krugman insulted Ryan or his supporters, the Post's question is worth considering.

Is it ever okay to call someone stupid?

In I'm With Stupid, and Paul Krugman, Noah Smith says it is okay to call someone stupid, primarily it seems, because he does not mind being called stupid himself. He argues that stupid is a relative term; compared to Krugman, "almost anyone is stupid." If you are more stupid than the guy you're arguing with, you can learn from him. Noah also accepts being called stupid because either you are stupid or you're not. The person who calls you stupid isn't giving you any new information about yourself.  

Megan McArdle made the counterpoint response in Only Stupid People Call People Stupid. She agrees that you're either stupid or you're not but says that calling someone stupid sends the wrong kind of message. By calling someone stupid, you say to the people on your side of the argument that we are not going to listen to opposing arguments. Your message is "we can rest steady in the assurance of our cognitive superiority."

As Megan notes, in addition to name calling, people often say something like "I don't understand how anyone could think this way" about a particular issue. This inability to understand another's viewpoint may tell you a few things about the person who doesn't understand. One, they may lack the knowledge to figure it out. Two, they may consider themselves so morally or intellectually superior that they can't relate to the opposing side. Three, they may "lack the empathy, moral imagination or analytical skills" to even try to understand the other point of view. 

I think that Noah Smith's acceptance of name calling says more about him than about the rightness of the name caller or about the quality of the argument. It tells me that he is open to learning, that he is confident enough in himself to let insults go, and he has enough humility to recognize his own fallibility. But just because someone is smarter than you does not mean that they are right. I also think there is more behind name-calling than a lack of understanding or a feeling of moral or intellectual superiority. Sometimes it stems from frustration at the rigidity of the other person. It is difficult to get through to people who are not interested in listening to a different point of view.

So is it okay to ever call someone stupid? I agree with Megan that name-calling sends the wrong kind of message. The Golden Rule is as applicable today as it ever was. I personally refuse to engage with someone who is rude and insulting. Even if you are smarter than the person you are arguing with, we all deserve to be treated with respect; we are all entitled to our own opinions. Calling someone stupid may render them speechless, but it doesn't make them stupid and it doesn't make you as the name caller right. Name-calling is not a persuasive technique.

The Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12, New Living Translation)
Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

Why are we so uncivil to each other?

Perhaps we have become so uncivil because our culture has given us permission to be selfish and rude. Reality TV glorifies bad behavior. Biased programs on Fox News, MSNBC and other media outlets do exactly as Megan described. They "preach to the choir," speaking to an audience of like-minded people. Their message is that the other side is not worth listening to because they are not as smart or as moral as we are. Politicians in Washington D.C. routinely use the same kind of divisive speech. Social media makes it easy to share statements promoting an "us versus them" mentality. And I think that social media also makes it easy to say insulting things to someone online that you would not say to your opponent face-to-face.

Taming the Tongue

Jesus' brother James wrote that the tongue is wicked and full of poison. It can do a great deal of damage considering its small size. James said "no one can tame the tongue," acknowledging how difficult it is to control our words. Yet, it is not right for both blessing and cursing to come out of the same mouth! Name-calling shows a lack of humility and a lack of self-control. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.  It is both considerate and wise to exercise self-control and refrain from name-calling.

Finally, Jesus spoke harshly about the consequences of calling someone an idiot. In the same way that we judge others, we will be judged ourselves.

Matthew 5:22, New Living Translation
But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.