Where Do We Go From Here?

As I follow the news coverage of the protests across the country following the grand jury decisions not to charge the white police officers in Ferguson, Missouri and Staten Island, New York, I am moved to take a public stand in support of blacks in this country. I was disappointed with the decisions because I think there was sufficient evidence of excessive force in both situations. The decision not to indict the police officer in the New York case was especially disturbing because there was video evidence of what happened. But what disturbs me even more than the grand jury decisions is the public reaction, primarily the reaction of whites, to a civil rights movement that is long overdue, in my opinion. 

A typical reaction at the sign of any conflict is to immediately pick sides. Us versus Them - this is the American political and cultural mentality. Either you have to be for the police officer or for the person the police officer killed. Either you have to support the protesters or find fault with them. And what more convenient way to choose sides than to align yourself with someone you can easily identify with? Someone of your own race.

Another common reaction is to blame the victim. If a person is a victim of violence, there must have been a reason. He provoked it. He was someplace he shouldn't have been or did something he should not have done. And God forbid that anyone should question the actions of "The Law." Yes, we should respect the authority of police officers and be grateful for their public service. Their jobs are dangerous and unpredictable. Most officers of the law are good people. But the police are not above reproach. Police officers occasionally do use unnecessary or excessive force and that issue needs to be addressed.

In the haste to choose sides in these conflicts, many people miss the big picture. If you focus too much on the facts and/or allegations in the tragic encounters between these black men and the police officers involved in their deaths, you will not see the forest for the trees. If you focus too much on who was right and who was wrong, you will not hear the important message that blacks are trying to send.

This is not about the wrongness of destroying property because you are angry about a decision. This is not about whether there is a right or wrong way to protest. This is not about who was the better man or who deserved to live or die. This is not about Eric Gardner or Michael Brown. These black men have been pilloried; their lives have been dissected, scrutinized, and dismissed by our justice system. Yet the lives of these black men matter. They were human beings endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, among them the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Individually, they each had promise even if they weren't living stellar lives when they died.

I read a beautiful blog post yesterday written by Erin Brown, titled Current Events and Compassion. Unfortunately, many people are incapable of empathy, of understanding life from another person's point of view. To put yourself in a black person's shoes, ask yourself: how would I feel if I spent a lifetime being judged by the color of my skin? How would constantly being treated with suspicion influence my choices? How would I want to be treated? 

To fully understand current events, we must examine both sides of the issue and we must not jump to conclusions. We've got to ask deeper questions and we've got to learn from history. When it comes to racial issues, we've been living in a state of denial for too long. We hold up black people who have achieved fame or fortune as if to say, "See, everything is okay now" while ignoring the plight of those stuck in a cycle of poverty and hopelessness. This is not a post-racial America. Racial stereotypes continue to persist in this country long after the civil rights movement of the 1950's and 60's.

In 1967, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. asked the question Where do we go from here? in his last speech to the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. When I read this speech, I was struck by the fact that the socioeconomic issues he raised persist even today - higher levels of black unemployment, poverty and infant mortality.

Now, in order to answer the question, "Where do we go from here?" which is our theme, we must first honestly recognize where we are now. When the Constitution was written, a strange formula to determine taxes and representation declared that the Negro was sixty percent of a person. Today another curious formula seems to declare he is fifty percent of a person. Of the good things in life, the Negro has approximately one half those of whites. Of the bad things of life, he has twice those of whites. Thus, half of all Negroes live in substandard housing. And Negroes have half the income of whites. When we turn to the negative experiences of life, the Negro has a double share: There are twice as many unemployed; the rate of infant mortality among Negroes is double that of whites; and there are twice as many Negroes dying in Vietnam as whites in proportion to their size in the population.

This is why I stand behind those who protest against social injustice across this country. Michael Brown may not be the poster child for a civil rights movement but his death has "made an indifferent and unconcerned nation rise from lethargy and subpoenaed its conscience to appear before the judgment seat of morality on the whole question of civil rights."

My hope is that from here, we will "massively assert" the value of blacks in this country and "develop an unassailable and majestic sense of values." I hope we will move on to a discussion of how to improve the lives of African Americans who still languish on the fringes of society. Black lives matter.

Is the Bank of Justice Bankrupt?

12/7/2014 

This is an essay I wrote sometime in 2013 after George Zimmerman was found not guilty in the tragic death of Trayvon Martin. I did not have the courage to post it on my blog then. Today, I find myself asking the same question but am encouraged that we are having a national discussion about racial issues.

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The senseless death of Trayvon Martin and the fifty-year anniversary of King's I Have A Dream speech this year made me wonder what King would think of the current state of racial equality in this country. Do African Americans still languish "in the corners of American society?"

I was a young child during the Civil Rights Movement, too young to be aware of what was going on.  Although I spent most of my childhood in communities with little racial diversity, I was taught that racism is wrong. We learned to sing "red or yellow, black or white, all are precious in His sight" in Bible school. I remember hearing someone say the N-word when I was a teenager waiting for the school bus in Topeka.  Shocked, I turned around to see who said it.  A black teenager laughed; it was she who called her black friend the N-word.

Today, I live in a predominantly white suburb. I work for a somewhat diverse company, though it is also predominantly white. The company has a diversity training program so we can learn how our unconscious biases affect our perceptions and behavior. One of my brothers is married to a woman from Viet Nam, another brother is married to a woman from Thailand, and one of my sisters adopted an African American baby. They are all precious in my sight too.

Having our first black president is certainly a good sign of how far we have come as a nation since the Civil Rights Movement. Before Obama was elected the first time, I heard a coworker say that if Obama were elected, any criticism of him would be seen as racism. Our nation is so divided ideologically that I don't automatically see criticism of Obama as racially motivated. While I generally give people the benefit of the doubt, I do not believe that Obama would face the same degree of animosity and opposition if he were white, regardless of how liberal his politics. How in the world did the Birther Movement get any traction if not for racial prejudice?

We will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream. - MLK

MLK wrote in his dream speech, "we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt." Sadly, when it comes to criminal justice, the bank of justice can be bankrupt with respect to race. There was no justice for Trayvon Martin's senseless death. Florida's stand your ground laws have given armed citizens the license to kill - and not just in self defense. Martin was doing nothing wrong, yet he was profiled as a thief because of his color. He was denied the benefits of our criminal justice system, the system that says you are innocent until proven guilty by a court of law.

The Zimmerman case is just one example of unequal justice. New York has its "stop and frisk" policy that results in blacks being stopped for no reason. A black woman was recently sentenced to 20 years in prison for shooting a gun in the air. Black men are routinely sentenced more harshly than white men for drug crimes.

We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. - MLK

President Obama was criticized for his comments after the George Zimmerman verdict. There have been times when I have wished that Obama would keep his opinions about social issues to himself, yet he has a right to share his own personal experiences of racism. When Reverend Al Sharpton commented about the Zimmerman verdict, he also was criticized. Some said, why complain about the death of a black man when thousands of black men are killed as a result of so called "black on black" violence?

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In 2014, many Americans still want to deny that racism exists. They still try to claim that "black on black" crime is a bigger social concern than racial profiling. When is the bank of justice going to start recognizing the worth of African Americans?

Non-obsessively Organized or Domestically Disordered?

My home is my sanctuary. It is where I go for rest and sustenance. It is where I relax and recharge my batteries. I have a strong sense of order and am happiest when my home is neat and tidy and everything is in its proper place. I can’t control my environment as perfectly as I would like so I am in a constant state of not being perfectly happy with my surroundings. There is always a bit too much clutter somewhere and things get messy as quickly as I can clean them up.

Why aren’t I as organized at home as I would like to be? Space is one issue. Too little space on my kitchen counters or my desktop means I don’t have enough room to work, not enough room to put things where they are most convenient and the least unsightly. Which is why, until recently, I was putting my portable grill on the dining room table when not in use.   

On the flip side, if you have too much space, you keep things around that you really don’t need. I have plenty of storage space in my basement so I save stuff I never use just in case I might want to use it someday. But someday, we want to downsize and will have to sort through all our stuff and get rid of the excess. It's enough to make me envy those who live in tight quarters, forced to live more simply.

Time is another issue that keeps me from being as neat and tidy as I’d like to be. It can take a good chunk of time to organize a closet or sort through a stack of papers and decide what to do with them. So I reserve my precious weekend time for my highest priorities, like cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms and resting up for another workweek. I let the other things go for another day.

Time and space are limited, but does that really keep me from being neat and organized? Or maybe the problem is that my husband keeps bringing stuff home and putting it on the kitchen counter or the dresser? Yet other people manage to keep their homes looking perfect and they also share their space with someone else – children and pets even.

No, my real issue is a lack of motivation. Sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with clutter or take the time to put something where it belongs. But leaving a pile of papers on my kitchen counter is a reminder that I have to do something in the future. Am I going to donate to the charities that send me requests? Am I going to use the restaurant coupons I saved? If I throw that thing away, will I want it later?

I read a column by Marni Jameson in the home section of my local paper. This week, she asked the question: What kind of clutterer are you? She quoted a hoarding expert who said, “our relationship with stuff can be put on a spectrum” that ranges from the ascetic or austerely simple to the serious hoarder. (At first I thought she meant aesthetic, being concerned with beauty). In the middle of the spectrum are other clutterers that Marni described rather colorfully: "the manic purger, the nefarious neat freak, the non-obsessively organized, the domestically disordered, the sloppy supersaver and the pre-hoarding pack rat."

An article by Cynthia Ewer on the Organized Home website, What's Your Clutter Personality, listed the following types and the kind of thoughts that define them: the Hoarder (This might come in handy some day!) the Deferrer (I’ll think about that tomorrow!), the Rebel (I don’t wanna and you can’t make me!), and the Perfectionist (Next week, I’ll organize everything—perfectly!).

So what kind of clutterer am I? Using Marni’s list, I would say that I’m non-obsessively organized but in danger of becoming too domestically disordered for my own peace of mind. I have learned not to obsess about being perfectly organized. My mother-in-law actually gave me permission to be a less than perfect housekeeper when she told me, you don’t have to vacuum every week! I’ve learned that, especially with a full time job, having time for rest and exercise is more important than having a spic and span house. I’ve learned that domestic tranquility is more important than domestic perfection. I’ve learned that if you keep your home fairly well organized and tidy, it doesn’t take that long to make it presentable for guests.

Using Cynthia’s definition of clutter personality types, I would say that I am both a deferrer and a bit of a hoarder. Her advice to deferrers is to keep in mind that “tomorrow has no more time or energy than today—and that putting off decisions drags down each new day with yesterday’s unfinished business.” She assures the hoarder that “stuff will be with us always” and challenges us to “dare to dump it!” She is right. I can’t ignore yesterday’s unfinished business. Inanimate objects don’t move themselves. And when I think about the things I’ve stored in my basement just in case I might want them someday, I realize that more often than not, someday never comes.

   

If you don’t mind being disorganized, it doesn’t matter! If you do mind like I do, then you have to move matter to a place that brings you peace of mind. That’s why I finally moved my portable grill to my bakers rack. To make room, I had to move cookbooks to the hall closet. Neither place was ideal but my eyes are happier and I haven’t been inconvenienced much.

I want the peace of mind that comes from knowing my surroundings are organized, not just on weekends when I tidy things up, but everyday. So I need to set boundaries for our stuff. That means, there should only be one room with papers that need to be dealt with – the home office – not the kitchen, not the dining room, not the bedrooms. I need to tackle the little out-of-place things bit by bit – if I’m going to another room, take along something that belongs there and put it away. And finally, if I don't have any real plans to use something, I should dare to dump it!

A Baby Boomer Visits Graceland

For years, my husband and I talked about visiting Memphis. We finally made the trip this month and in addition to visiting Beale Street, the Rock and Soul Museum, Stax Museum and the National Civil Rights Museum, we visited Graceland. I have to say that Graceland exceeded my expectations. I expected Elvis's home to be tacky but instead saw a home that reflected the style of the 1970's, the defining decade of my childhood. The upstairs bedrooms are not open to the public so perhaps that's where the tackiest decor is. 

My first surprise was that from the outside, the home was not nearly as grand as I expected a mansion to be. It probably seemed so at the time Elvis bought it, when he was only 22 years old. On the inside, the home is like a time capsule of the 1970's with wood cabinet TV's, a harvest gold refrigerator, and extensive use of gold accents, mirrors, stained glass, shag carpeting and vinyl.

My favorite room was the living room, which was decorated with white furniture and blue drapes that matched the ones in the dining room and at the top of the staircase. There were beautiful stained glass peacocks separating the living room from the music room. Even though gold is no longer popular, I still thought it was an elegant room. My sister told me that the kitchen is surprisingly tiny; she was right. Today, it's hard to imagine having such a small kitchen in an expensive home and even harder to believe that anyone ever thought it was a good idea to have carpeting in the kitchen!

They say Elvis had three TV's in his media room because he heard that President Johnson watched the three major networks at the same time. The wet bar at the end of the room was oh so 70's from the yellow counter top to the vinyl stools. We also saw his pool room, which was decorated with fabric on the walls and ceilings, a bit too much, in my opinion.

The one room that I found tacky was the "Jungle Room," though a friend told me she liked it. I took several pictures of it because it was dark and hard to photograph (flash cameras were not allowed). The furniture was intricately carved, heavy and uncomfortable looking. Though I can see why little Lisa Marie would have enjoyed cuddling up in the big round chair in the corner, next to the rock wall. 

Touring a home that is stuck in the 1970's made me feel a bit nostalgic for that decade. (It also made me feel a bit old). Though the styles look old fashioned now, it was a simpler time. Elvis had several TV's in his home, but most families only had one. We were not addicted to electronic gadgets as we are now; we actually talked to each other. On the other hand, with an iPad to guide me on the Graceland tour, I was able to go back in time 40 years and easily access additional media about Elvis - photos, videos and recordings.

Elvis's Trophy Room was an incredible display of his career achievements, with a long corridor lined with gold records and awards. There were also a couple of displays highlighting his generosity to the community. In 1970, the Jaycees named Elvis one of "Ten Outstanding Young Men" in the country. He treasured this recognition.

I enjoyed looking at the awards in the Trophy Room, but was especially drawn to an exhibit of Elvis's 1968 TV special. I was five years old at the time. I'm not sure if I remember watching the special or if I just think I remember it. While touring this room, we were told that Elvis had a seven year dry spell which led him to perform in Las Vegas for several years.

I also liked watching some of Elvis's movies, though they were not really all that good. He was just incredibly handsome. When I got home from Memphis, I looked up Elvis's movies to find out which one had Donna Douglas, "Ellie Mae" from the Beverly Hillbillies. I learned from a fan's Elvis Women website that while filming Frankie and Johnny, Douglas and Elvis used to talk a lot about religion, one of my favorite subjects.

Elvis's racquetball building is now used to exhibit additional memorabilia and some of the jumpsuits he wore while performing. I wasn't a great fan of Elvis during his Vegas years - he seemed to care too much about his star image. Admittedly, he was a talented performer. He successfully played up his sex appeal, even as he put on the pounds in the last few years of his life. But I have to wonder how much harm was done to his health when he performed in Vegas. Did Vegas kill Elvis, as a Daily Mail article suggests?

Last on the tour of the mansion was the "Meditation Garden" where Elvis is buried next to his parents, his stillborn twin brother and his grandmother. Elvis was at least somewhat religious and recorded some great gospel songs. I have a few on my iPod; my favorites are Swing Down Sweet Chariot and How Great Thou Art.  I like his gospels so much, I'm going to buy one of his albums.

I was fourteen when Elvis died and remember the speculation that prescription drug abuse contributed to his death at only 42 years of age. He was a gifted man, idolized by many, but he had feet of clay. It is sad that so many talented people engage in self-destructive behavior. Visiting Graceland reminded me of what I admired about Elvis - his music, his charm, his generosity, and the fact that he didn't try to be like someone else.

Self Affirmation: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Some of my friends enjoy answering quizzes on Facebook with titles like Which Dwarf Are You? Or What’s Your Name’s Hidden Meaning? These quizzes are entertaining even if you realize they are not scientific and don’t provide meaningful information about you – except perhaps, to advertisers. But on a deeper level, I think we are tempted to answer them because we seek self-affirmation: the recognition and assertion of the existence and value of one’s individual self. That’s a fancy way of saying that we want to affirm that we are normal, even interesting.

I have always had an interest in personality questionnaires, probably because I have struggled with self-esteem issues and want to recognize and appreciate what is unique about me. Several years ago while taking an MBA course, I read  Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey. I completed the personality test or “temperament sorter,” and discovered that I am an ISTJ, the Guardian Inspector personality.

The book went into great detail describing the vocational interests and other characteristics of each personality type. In my own words, this is how it described me:

I am a reserved version of one of society’s gatekeepers, content to be “behind the scenes.” I believe that rules are necessary to protect people and their assets. I am drawn to the world of business and have an interest in investments. I am good with numbers and can make order out of large amounts of data. I must be able to focus on the task at hand so I concentrate and shut out distractions. You won’t often find me chatting at the “water cooler.” I use my attention to detail to scrutinize the records and make sure there are no irregularities or inaccuracies. I have a strong sense of responsibility. I am very dependable and I like to be appreciated.

Outside the workplace, I am a concerned citizen and think a lot about moral and social issues. I trust and respect authority. I am a loyal friend and a loyal helpmate to my spouse. I am quiet, modest, and unassuming. I do not try to draw attention to myself with trendy fashions, fancy speech, or showy gestures. I am cautious, worried about the bad things that might happen. I am thrifty with money and able to defer gratification.

That description sounds kind of stodgy and boring, I know. But for me, it was exciting to learn that my personality type affirms my vocational choices; it affirms my down-to-earth style, my way of communicating and my attitudes about money. It even explains why certain issues occupy my mind.

In seeing such an accurate description of me all wrapped up in a neat little package, I could clearly see the value of my individual self. For too long, I felt like there was something wrong with me because I was introverted. But in reading about the reserved version of every personality type, I came to understand why inwardly focused energy is a good thing for certain purposes in this life – for solving complex problems, for putting the brakes on those driven by reckless adrenalin-fueled impulses. I also found a sense of community in knowing that around ten percent of the population shares my personality type – accountants, auditors, attorneys, judges, police officers, librarians, teachers, and doctors - even famous people like George Washington, Dwight Eisenhower, Warren Buffet and Matt Damon.

I cannot say that everything I learned about my personality is good. Keirsey says that Guardians are “preoccupied with morality,” as other types are preoccupied with other issues, like morale or technology. We believe that morality is so important that we can be obsessed with what people should or should not do. So while we fulfill an important role in maintaining social order, we can be too rigid and judgmental. This has been a spiritual struggle for me. Judge not, lest ye be judged!

Keirsey also said, “They [Inspectors] can be adamant about the need for rule-compliance in the workplace, and do not hesitate to report irregularities to the proper authorities. Because of this they are often misjudged as having ice in their veins, for people fail to see their good intentions and their vulnerability to criticism.” This is true. Through a very trying experience at my old job, I learned that my trust in authority was misplaced. Not all managers will enforce the rules or hold employees accountable for their job performance. This was very stressful to my sense of order and rightness. I became cold and disapproving toward the slackers. It is not in the Guardian nature to make someone feel good about doing a crappy job (as one of my Guardian friends put it)!

Guardians also tend to be pessimistic about the future, even if we don’t admit it readily. As Keirsey noted, the philosopher Galen called what is now known as the SJ temperament, Melancholics because of this gloomy outlook on life. We expect the worst. We prepare for things to go wrong. I can see this tendency in myself, though I strive to be optimistic. I’ve spent many a sleepless night worrying about what might go wrong or how I’m going to solve a particular problem. But my faith makes me hopeful about the future and praying helps me overcome much of my anxiety. I really do believe that all things work for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
        Sometimes I am Happy; sometimes I am Grumpy; sometimes I am Bashful. But I am always Sensing, Thinking, Judging. Learning about my personality type, both the good and the bad aspects of it, helped me to not only recognize the value in my individual self, but also to appreciate the value of others. I believe we were each made for a specific purpose. Idealists, for example, are much more nurturing and empathetic than me. In the complexity of personality, I find integrity – a wholeness of design and purpose. We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made!

Mason Creek and Staunton Ranch Trails

John Gillingham, my athletic club's outdoor fitness leader, organized a group hike in September at Staunton State Park, Colorado's newest state park. My husband and I were not able to go with the group so we went on our own the last Saturday in September. The park is located about six miles west of Conifer, Colorado. There is a $7 daily parking fee but it is worth it.

The land for the park, including Staunton Ranch, was donated to the state by Frances Staunton. The park includes several miles of hiking trails. Our 9.6 mile route followed the Mason Creek trail to the Border Line trail to the Staunton Ranch trail. The Colorado Parks and Wildlife's website has information about the park as well as a .pdf version of the park map. 

The Mason Creek trail climbs up along the creek for a few miles and reaches an elevation of 9,440 feet. This time of year, the forest floor was lush with Kinnikinnick shrubs and moss. The trail took us past grassy meadows, through conifer forests and aspen groves, and close to some large granite cliffs. We saw a couple of deer and some squirrels.

Mixed Forest

Aspen Grove

Yellow Aspens

Approaching the big rock

Granite cliff

After 4.5 miles, we reached the Old Mill site and the junction of the Border Line and Old Mill trails. In addition to the intact building below, there was rusted machinery next to the trail and historic remnants of the mill behind a fence.

About a mile past the Old Mill site is a scenic viewing area. It was a great view but not quite what I expected. The trail map says "Staunton Rocks" so I expected to see a view of rock formations. We saw a couple of runners and mountain bikers stop here to take photos. 

There wasn't a lot of foot or bike traffic on Mason Creek or Border Line. The high traffic part of our hike was the Staunton Ranch trail, which is not as difficult as Mason Creek. At the junction of Border Line and Staunton Ranch trails, it looked like there may have been a forest fire at one time.

Meadow 

Meadow next to cabin

This was a really good hike for seeing the leaves of the aspens change. I would like to return early next summer to see the wildflowers.

Determined to Age Gracefully

When I was young and imagined growing old, I was determined that I would age gracefully. What does that even mean? Graceful means "characterized by elegance or beauty of form, manner, movement, or speech." To me, aging gracefully meant having an inner beauty that shines through despite the inevitable wrinkles. Even more than that, it meant being comfortable in your own aging skin.

Now that I'm most certainly over the hill, can I honestly say that I am aging gracefully? No, I cannot. With regular exercise, I have maintained my youthful figure for the most part, though my body aches more often these days. But truthfully, I am not yet comfortable with what I see. When photographed, I tell myself that my eyes are too squinty, my teeth not white enough. I examine my face from every angle, not happy with the wrinkles around my eyes and lips or with the changing texture of the skin on my neck. I can relate to Nora Ephron, author of I Feel Bad About My Neck, a book I clearly need to read at this stage of my life.

I saw some photos on a Facebook photography page this week posted under a "Rusty, Dusty, Busted" category - old houses, old cars, old farm machinery. I appreciate the beauty of faded objects that have seen better days. So why not look at myself in the same way? Why do I struggle to accept what is completely natural and unavoidable? Did my role models struggle to accept their aging faces? Did Meryl Streep figure out this aging gracefully thing all at once or was it a challenge for her too? Did my grandmother, one of the most beautiful people I've ever known, look at herself so critically?

My Grandma, a gentle and quiet spirit

I mentioned my struggle to a friend who is a couple of years older than me. She said that accepting yourself as you age is about changing your expectations. An aging face is a face with character. Having been married almost 28 years, I have often thought how fortunate it is that as we grow old together, we've changed our expectations about physical appearance. We love each other more for what's on the inside than what's on the outside.

It occurred to me that perhaps for some of us, aging gracefully is the final step in a process that follows the stages of loss and grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I spent most of my forties in denial of my lost youth. People told me that I didn't look my age. Then as I approached fifty, I bargained, embracing the "don't deny it, defy it" approach. I exercised more to counter the effects of declining metabolism. I bought moisturizers and revitalizing night creams and under-eye creams, attempting to reverse the effects of aging. I started taking hormone replacement therapy to thwart the effects of lower estrogen levels. This year, I even got braces to improve my aging smile.

But even after doing all of those things, time is still taking a toll on my body and my skin. My wrinkly neck is a reality I can't negotiate away. I am not going to get angry or depressed about losing my youth, just a bit sad. It happens to everyone who is fortunate to live this long. Every day is a gift and I know that I have so much to look forward to in my later years. I'm ready to move on to the final stage of aging gracefully - acceptance.

Peter, the disciple, said that your beauty should not come from outside adornment but should instead be a reflection of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Physical beauty does fade over time, regardless of how much effort or expense you put into your appearance. But kindness and gentleness never stops being beautiful.

The Greatest of These Is Love

One of my favorite passages from the New Testament is First Corinthians, Chapter 13. I once heard these beautiful verses about love recited in a wedding. Though written by the apostle Paul around 55 A.D. to the church in Corinth, these timeless words contain great advice for all relationships. But I want to dig deeper to understand what Paul was trying to teach the believers.

The Way of Love (English Standard Version)

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know if part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

To put the first paragraph in context, in the preceding passage in chapter 12, Paul spoke about spiritual gifts and how each member of the church, regardless of his or her gifts, was an important member of the body of Christ. So Paul was not writing about romantic love but about agape, a selfless kind of love for other people. Above all, it is not a self-centered kind of love. Yet, so many virtues and blessings flow from it - patience, kindness, gentleness, humility, forgiveness, peace and joy. This kind of love is perfect because God is its source. God is love. God is patient and kind. God forgives, God protects.

Paul wanted the believers to know that this kind of love is so important that its absence renders a person's spiritual gifts meaningless. The Spirit gives to some the gift of wisdom, to others knowledge, to others the ability to heal, etc. Today, just as back then, we observe people who are religious, yet clearly lack love for their fellow man. Their words and actions betray the selfish motivations of their hearts. Their words are hollow, their voices are like clanging cymbals or nails on a chalkboard. Their gifts mean nothing.

To secularize this teaching, many talented people use their gifts to achieve great fame and/or wealth. Yet some of them use their gifts selfishly; their lives are an endless quest for self indulgence and attention. Even if we do good with our gifts, if our hearts are not right towards our fellow man, our good deeds lack meaning. If we act out of selfish motivations, we have gained nothing spiritually. The world sees our actions, but God sees the heart.

Agape, this selfless kind of love, is difficult to practice. I know that I should be kind and patient and polite and forgiving and grateful but too often, I fail to be what I know I should be. Why? Because my self-centered nature keeps rearing its ugly head. It tells me that no one should make me wait, no one should annoy me. It tells me that I deserve this or that. It tells me that it, this life, is all about me! How wrong I am! How wretched!

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  - Romans 7:21-25

Learning to understand and practice the kind of enduring, selfless love that Paul described requires spiritual growth. At first you think like a child, but when you mature spiritually, you give up your childish ways, your selfish ways. Jesus is my rescuer and my teacher as I battle with my selfish nature, as I strive to become the loving person he wants me to be. He said: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing." 

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Yes, where all else fails, faith, hope and love endure. Lord, Your Love is a light in the darkness. I pray that your love will abound in me. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is doubt, faith; where there is injury, forgiveness; where there is despair, hope; where there is sadness, joy; where there is darkness, light. Amen.

Is it ever okay to call someone stupid?

The Denver Post recently published two articles from Bloomberg News in a Point-Counterpoint column posing the question: is it ever okay to call someone stupid? The articles were written in response to an op-ed in Forbes in which a Boston University economist, Laurence Koticoff, chastised economist Paul Krugman, for saying that Paul Ryan is stupid. Paul Krugman actually did not say that Paul Ryan is stupid. However, in quoting Ezra Klein, he did suggest that Ryan is a stupid person's idea of what a thoughtful person sounds like. Whether Krugman insulted Ryan or his supporters, the Post's question is worth considering.

Is it ever okay to call someone stupid?

In I'm With Stupid, and Paul Krugman, Noah Smith says it is okay to call someone stupid, primarily it seems, because he does not mind being called stupid himself. He argues that stupid is a relative term; compared to Krugman, "almost anyone is stupid." If you are more stupid than the guy you're arguing with, you can learn from him. Noah also accepts being called stupid because either you are stupid or you're not. The person who calls you stupid isn't giving you any new information about yourself.  

Megan McArdle made the counterpoint response in Only Stupid People Call People Stupid. She agrees that you're either stupid or you're not but says that calling someone stupid sends the wrong kind of message. By calling someone stupid, you say to the people on your side of the argument that we are not going to listen to opposing arguments. Your message is "we can rest steady in the assurance of our cognitive superiority."

As Megan notes, in addition to name calling, people often say something like "I don't understand how anyone could think this way" about a particular issue. This inability to understand another's viewpoint may tell you a few things about the person who doesn't understand. One, they may lack the knowledge to figure it out. Two, they may consider themselves so morally or intellectually superior that they can't relate to the opposing side. Three, they may "lack the empathy, moral imagination or analytical skills" to even try to understand the other point of view. 

I think that Noah Smith's acceptance of name calling says more about him than about the rightness of the name caller or about the quality of the argument. It tells me that he is open to learning, that he is confident enough in himself to let insults go, and he has enough humility to recognize his own fallibility. But just because someone is smarter than you does not mean that they are right. I also think there is more behind name-calling than a lack of understanding or a feeling of moral or intellectual superiority. Sometimes it stems from frustration at the rigidity of the other person. It is difficult to get through to people who are not interested in listening to a different point of view.

So is it okay to ever call someone stupid? I agree with Megan that name-calling sends the wrong kind of message. The Golden Rule is as applicable today as it ever was. I personally refuse to engage with someone who is rude and insulting. Even if you are smarter than the person you are arguing with, we all deserve to be treated with respect; we are all entitled to our own opinions. Calling someone stupid may render them speechless, but it doesn't make them stupid and it doesn't make you as the name caller right. Name-calling is not a persuasive technique.

The Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12, New Living Translation)
Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

Why are we so uncivil to each other?

Perhaps we have become so uncivil because our culture has given us permission to be selfish and rude. Reality TV glorifies bad behavior. Biased programs on Fox News, MSNBC and other media outlets do exactly as Megan described. They "preach to the choir," speaking to an audience of like-minded people. Their message is that the other side is not worth listening to because they are not as smart or as moral as we are. Politicians in Washington D.C. routinely use the same kind of divisive speech. Social media makes it easy to share statements promoting an "us versus them" mentality. And I think that social media also makes it easy to say insulting things to someone online that you would not say to your opponent face-to-face.

Taming the Tongue

Jesus' brother James wrote that the tongue is wicked and full of poison. It can do a great deal of damage considering its small size. James said "no one can tame the tongue," acknowledging how difficult it is to control our words. Yet, it is not right for both blessing and cursing to come out of the same mouth! Name-calling shows a lack of humility and a lack of self-control. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.  It is both considerate and wise to exercise self-control and refrain from name-calling.

Finally, Jesus spoke harshly about the consequences of calling someone an idiot. In the same way that we judge others, we will be judged ourselves.

Matthew 5:22, New Living Translation
But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.